Billie Jo McMurren
Mrs. Boreson
Expos. Writing
Period 4
Break Essay
1/13/09
Sound System
My Christmas break was very different than the past few years. Usually, my family plans a vacation to have a nice get away, but this year we decided to stay in town. At first, I thought I was going to be so bored, and I was just going to be stuck at home. I was wrong.
Everything about break was fun, relaxing, or extremely wild. I worked, clubbed, and relaxed with my family and friends, but nothing was as exciting as installing my sound system in my car.
The excitement began on Christmas morning when I noticed that “Santa” came for me. This shocked me, because I didn’t exactly behave this year. All I had under the tree were two rather big boxes. I had no idea what they could be, but I was hoping it was something good knowing I only had two. I tried picking one up, but that was a challenge. I usually shake my presents but my mom said that wasn’t a good idea. At this point I was completely clueless of what it could be.
Finally, after breakfast I was able to open my two gifts. I started ripping the paper, and saw an ugly brown box with the word Alpine labeled on it. At this point I knew exactly what I was getting. I opened the box, and sure enough, it was a subwoofer for my car. I smiled ear to ear and rushed to the other box. As I was opening the other box, I was anticipating the same ugly, brown box with Alpine on it, but I was wrong. It was still and ugly, brown box but instead it said Kenwood. I thought my mom was crazy for getting to different brands of subs, but I looked a little closer and it was an Amplifier. My jaw dropped when I saw my mom got me a 1000 watt amp. I was impressed.
A week after Christmas, I had saved enough money for another sub, a deck, a box, and all the speaker wires required. Immediately, I called a good friend of mine in Denver to see if he would install it for me. He agreed and I drove down there the same day. I thanked him and offered him 50$, but he rejected it and told me to enjoy it.
Once I got home, I had my mom listen to my new sound system, and just by the look in her eyes, you could tell she regretted all of it. My grandpa on the other hand loved it and wanted to get one for his truck. I think this was because he could hear it loud and clear.
Even though, this was the only present I got this year, I am okay with that. It was all I wanted and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Mrs. Boreson
Expos. Writing
Period 4
Break Essay
1/13/09
Sound System
My Christmas break was very different than the past few years. Usually, my family plans a vacation to have a nice get away, but this year we decided to stay in town. At first, I thought I was going to be so bored, and I was just going to be stuck at home. I was wrong.
Everything about break was fun, relaxing, or extremely wild. I worked, clubbed, and relaxed with my family and friends, but nothing was as exciting as installing my sound system in my car.
The excitement began on Christmas morning when I noticed that “Santa” came for me. This shocked me, because I didn’t exactly behave this year. All I had under the tree were two rather big boxes. I had no idea what they could be, but I was hoping it was something good knowing I only had two. I tried picking one up, but that was a challenge. I usually shake my presents but my mom said that wasn’t a good idea. At this point I was completely clueless of what it could be.
Finally, after breakfast I was able to open my two gifts. I started ripping the paper, and saw an ugly brown box with the word Alpine labeled on it. At this point I knew exactly what I was getting. I opened the box, and sure enough, it was a subwoofer for my car. I smiled ear to ear and rushed to the other box. As I was opening the other box, I was anticipating the same ugly, brown box with Alpine on it, but I was wrong. It was still and ugly, brown box but instead it said Kenwood. I thought my mom was crazy for getting to different brands of subs, but I looked a little closer and it was an Amplifier. My jaw dropped when I saw my mom got me a 1000 watt amp. I was impressed.
A week after Christmas, I had saved enough money for another sub, a deck, a box, and all the speaker wires required. Immediately, I called a good friend of mine in Denver to see if he would install it for me. He agreed and I drove down there the same day. I thanked him and offered him 50$, but he rejected it and told me to enjoy it.
Once I got home, I had my mom listen to my new sound system, and just by the look in her eyes, you could tell she regretted all of it. My grandpa on the other hand loved it and wanted to get one for his truck. I think this was because he could hear it loud and clear.
Even though, this was the only present I got this year, I am okay with that. It was all I wanted and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I liked how there was a sense of innocence about your story. You need to focus on writing with organition. You can do this by using advance transitions sets. We'll be talkign about that in our class. It may be that you aren't use to writing without a structure, so the rest of the essay's for this class with have that.
ReplyDeleteAudience and purpose: 2.9
Format:4
40/50 80%
I really liked your story because not only did you express what you were talking about, but you were able to add humor as well. The best part o your story was when you talked about how your grandpa liked your system and your mom did not. I related to your story because i always try to figure out what im getting before i open the gift. Next time you write an essay you should keep the same type of ideas included with your paper. you did a good job with your writing by using what you are used to within your story.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one because the end and the surprise in the middle. When yuo talk about what you thought was going to be in the second box, i guessed the same thing. However, i was surprised. Also, i liked how your grandpa wanted some of those speakers, my grandpa probably wouldn't be able to hear them. I do think your sentences are a little short. But overall, nice job.
ReplyDeleteI like that you talk about your family and how greatful you were for your two gifts. This makes your story more personable and throughout the story I can relate to your experiences. Your word choice was great, your descriptions even better and overall you wrote a wonderful paper that I enjoyed reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked that it all flowed together. I think it funny that you tried to shake your presents. I wonder if you will stay in town next year, maybe you'll get new and better gifts.
ReplyDelete